Public Affection!

I was enjoying a coffee with a friend, in a stimulating conversation as usual, when suddenly all attention of the coffee shop was drowned to a couple walking in holding hands and practically clinging. I could not help but raised by eyebrow with a smirk at the girl, it was unconscious so can't help it. The guy show it and looked at the girl's returned smile, tightened his grab on her! Oh! my precious!

At that point my friend turned to me and asked. Why do you think they act like that? That question kept me thinking, with some reflections to the past! Well, truth be told, I was there, did that! To me enjoying a hug or a kiss in the public as a way of affection is nothing earth shattering. However, there are social formalities and absurdities. So based on my personal experience I told him.

A kid holding the hand of mum or dad is another story. Two girls doing it can mean anything! However, when a grown up couple does it I think such public affection can only mean one of two things! Either they are new in love or it is a sign of insecurity! Just see who is holding whose hand! If it seems that one is holding the others hand, the person holding the hand has an insecurity in the relationship. If it seems that both holding hands on a common ground and enjoying together, they are most probably new in love.

I prefer affection over love

Today let me tell my take on love and affection! Affection or 'kulunu' is purely born out of respect to someone! A deep feeling of admiration for someone with regards for his or her feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions. A respect can also be born for someone's abilities, qualities or achievements. Affection is spiritual! Now don't take my word for it, just take a person you have a lot of affection for and ask, why? And just say 'Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam!' :|

For God said is the Quran 30:21, "And from His signs is that He created for you mates from yourselves that you may reside with them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. In that are signs for a people who reflect".

Now comes love, the so called love as we know is a combination of both fear and respect. Now don't take me wrong here, fear is a good thing. Fear keeps us in the due places, it keeps us bound to a reality. Just take someone you have or love, and simply ask yourself. Do you have a fear? A fear mostly of loosing, or at time of insecurity, or parents, or relatives, or it can be anything. If you have ever fallen in love, just look into your life, what really drive you to love is this fear. :)

Let us look at it from a lady's point of view. Let us picture a superior, masterful and a cruel man! It would take a lot of courage for a lady to bring such a man into her way, to change him into a compassionate, tender and nurturing man. Isn't such a brave and daring act worthy of olympic medals? Love is the journey where a lady decide to exercise a strong passionate garrison over a man, what an exciting but frightening journey? ;)

But why take such a fearful journey? It is all about procreation! To mate with the best, to create the best of offsprings, so you and your offsprings survival is high. It is all biologically wired into you! Can't help it! ;) However, with today's social conditioning, bollywood and hollywood, peer pressure and relatives, only very few will dare to become such a diva, the rest who fall to social subjection is called 'society'! :P

As for me, I had enough of this, I had my experiences of love and I think it is about time I prefer affection over love.

After motherhood the man become unloved

Why is a beautiful and high self-esteemed lady interested to take the risk of falling in love? Yes, it is a risk, falling in love is the single highest risk that a lady will take in her entire life! So why do it? Well, the real pleasure is in letting go, giving herself completely, in body and mind, to such a risk! A fantasized pleasure by making a choice, a gamble, that just might turn out to be the right one, against all odds and choices! Of course success depends on her skillfulness to teach the man to love!

Hence, this love will die after marriage! Why? Well, after taking the journey from a virgin to a mother, literally, the pleasure of living such risks are far too dangerous. So love has to turn to affection for survival and after motherhood the man become unloved. :(

How can a man fall, even when he wants and needs to!

Who says that love is an easy thing? Yes, I say it is suppose to be hard, especially for a man with strong ambitions. For such a man is a warrior who believes in loyalty, integrity, power and death. Living and Loving is an evasive affair. Though we all crave for happiness, friends, partners, children for joy, these very needs create frailty. Such is an unbearable weakness for a man, for whom weakness is next to suicide. So how can a man give in easily when love is a promise of a lethal vulnerability! How can a man fall, even when he wants and needs to! :P

A man's guide to fulfillment!

What do I hear in the news? Murder and rape! What is happening to my brothers! I wonder what pleasure or happiness do people get out of these acts? Is it sexual frustration or just ego? Whatever it is, I know most Maldivian men are really desperate, and sexually frustrated, as there don't go by a day when a friend don't ask me, "Man, introduce me a girl". Sorry forks, I am done, had my share of girls from this world and I don't have the time for match making. However, I know your feelings and I believe locking our girls indoors is not the answer, so out of just mere frustration I am writing this, "A man's guide to fulfillment!"

First know, pleasure, desire and love are just feelings. Feelings can be either good or bad, of course with lots of variations in between. As for happiness is a state of mind. You cannot be happy if your searching for happiness. You cannot be happy by wanting it, you can only be happy by living a life of your wanting, happiness is a lifestyle. So the question is, what is that you want? Just know, the other man's wife will always be beautiful! Always! And it is not what you want! Enough definitions, lets get down to the crash course. First if you want to be happy love yourself. For heavens sake, you are a divine being created by God! With rights to be happy. Above all, thank God, that you are the master of your soul. Love yourself, however you are, how odd things are, just do it. If you don't love yourself who else will? If you don't love yourself how can you give or get love and know it? How can you ever give or acknowledge something that you don't have? I don't want to hear that your parents are nuts or you live in a shit hole! These are just excuses to blame others of your failures. I love my more than nutty parents and I did live in a shit hole where gorgeous girls used to visit. I am short, bold and not the smartest looking creature in this world. Frankly I never cared to know if a girl really loved me or not, all I know is I love myself and that is enough to get my regular doze of fulfillment. Truth is, I never ever had sex, I only make love! :)

That's the fundamental basics of a happy lifestyle, love thyself. Next comes someone to share this love with! To rephrase, how to attract a girl? Truth is, girls are as desperate and frustrated as you are. So what are girls looking for? Majority of girls (except the gold diggers), mostly unconsciously, are looking for a personality to match or exceed her. So what is this thing called 'personality'?

Let us talk a bit about personality here! We seems to have many personalities, the way we act with family members, mum and dad is not how we act with friends. Similarly the way we act in social gatherings is not the way we act in our classroom. So to speak I am breaking down the personality to three sub categories. First our animal personality, second our individual personality and third social personality.

Animal personality is what I would refer to as the wild sexual fantasies, the need to have sex in extreme conditions and places, the man eager to procreate. The personality that is frank, direct and spontaneous. This personality trait is rarely shown in the social dynamic, this is now a days commonly known as the bad boys or jerks. Everyone of us has it, we can take the animal away from the jungle, but the jungle is always inside the animal.

The individual personality is what I would call as who you are when you are with your own self. This relates to what you like, what you want and what you care for in this world. This can include your taste in food, your favorite color, cloths that you like to wear, places that you want to hang out and how you like to spend you free time and etc.

Social personality is how you relate with others, more diplomatic and friendly aspect of your personality. How you relate with friends and family comes from this personality trait. How you deal with difficult people, how you acquire friends, how friendly you are seen by others are shaped by this personality. How funny, arrogant, cocky or pleasing you are in a crowd depends on this personality.

So to be happy more importantly to attract a girl you need to master all three personalities, I will come to the reason for it later. You must have high values in all three. In order to get high personality values you will have to experiment a lot and know yourself. Talk to friends or just go out and experiment. I personally prefer the latter. How you prefer to do is up to you, but there is nothing compared to live experimenting. All in all just trust your emotions, there are only two kinds of emotions, either good or bad. So if what you are doing is making you feel good your on track. If not, try something else.

In the animal personality you must be sure of how you like to flirt, kiss, cuddle and get physical. Whether you prefer sensual over sexual and how to shift from one to another. How you communicate yourself to others. Nearly 90% of this personality is all about action. You need to learn to communicate how you want what you want and act on it.

Individual personality is all about you. What kind of movies you like, books you like, cloths you like, tastes you like, how you like to spend time, what kind of friends you like, what kind of hobbies you like, what you want to become in life. Just try different things to get a fixation on what you want. Like try different dishes to see how they taste. Try different cloths and see how you look like. Try talking with some new kind of a guy to see if you like hanging out. Try a different sport. Listen to different kind of music to see if you feel them. Take a new course or attend a class. There are limitless things you can do. Again just trust your emotions. There is no need to justify why you like it or hate it. You can just say I love it or that is rubbish, you don’t have to take anyone's approval. Go out and try so you will have a feel of what you are really made of. Remember jerking off is not a personality trait! :p

Social personality is a tricky one. It is all about others and how others see you. Here you have to learn how to relate with others. We are social creators, but how we are related by others depends on others perception. Perception is all that matters, whether it is true or false, it doesn’t matter. If someone sees you as a jerk, than in his eyes you are a jerk, it is his reality and it has nothing to do with you. It is his problem so let him handle it. What you have to learn here is how to talk with people to convey different kind of emotions. Like how to make someone angry, happy, smile, laugh, cry and jealous. Of course diplomacy places a major role, so don't go over board. You can ask for guidance from friends and books if you want but never trust them without experimenting or knowing or feeling. As I told before I like to experiment on my own. You have to have high social values in both individual and group encounters. Just go out that door and mingle, there is a wide world out there waiting for you. If someone don’t like you or accept you, it is there loss as you have a great individual personality that they just missed the chance to make friend with.

When you have a high individual personality you will have enough to talk about, discuss, opinions and argue with others. When you present your point of view of life and how you see it, they will either accept it or they will enlighten you with new realities. Learn to make fun with embracing movements, limitations, obstacles and misfortune. Know when to say yes and no. Build a curiosity to know others, what they like, what they want, including the reasons to why! And know 'I don't like it' or 'I don't want it' or 'I just like is!' is an answer too. When you are socializing you will come up with enough stories to talk about that will help along the way. Then you will be presented with opportunities to experiment your animal personality, it will come, just don’t push. Enjoy the ride, nature is not that cruel!

So once you have the attention of a girl, how to deal with her? First know girls are wired differently than man! Man are more like on-off switches. We are either high or low, but girls are like dimmer switch! Let me explain, do you know that feeling when your boss, mum or a teacher ask to do something that you don't like to do? Know that feeling? What if they pet on your back, offer you a sweet smile and ask you if you did not finish the work it would be a loss for both, so you better get your job done? Some time you create an excuse and some times you let yourself go! Well, this is human feelings in action. So how to go pass this little obstacle of feeling, "I don't like you"! Well, just know that beauty is something people are born with. It is a gift, what really matters is her personality. That is the only thing you can have fun with. So first just aim to know what she is really made of! Beauty is like the cloths she wears, anybody can become beautiful and sexy, look at the movie stars. When the cloths are off, everybody is naked! However, personality takes time and effort to build. So when you see a beautiful girl what you really want to know is what kind of a personality she really have. Never objectify her, thinking how beautiful she is, true beauty is skin deep. In my personal experience the more beautiful a girl was, underneath her cloths, the more an emotional sucker fish she was. An emotional sucker fish will drain you out so fast that you will start devising plans to loose her without hurting her feelings. On the other hand, in my personal experience the more beautiful a girl was the more loyal she turned out to be. Now, that's my personal experience, which is limited to me.

Last the animal personality is when you both know and feel the spark, and trust each other enough to experiment on what nobody else has to know. So buy me a coffee if you want more! ;)

The formula for fulfillment is first work on your individual personality, than your social and last on your animal. You will not need to ask your friends for numbers or use pick up lines or seductions or manipulations. Just go out and see if there is a girl who can match your personality. So to summarize, when you are in a social setting with her, use your social personalities. When you are alone with her in a social setting use your individual personality. When you are alone with her in privacy use your animal personality. With time this will come natural but at first you might have to have some misses, depending on how determined you are and how good you learn from your mistakes.

If you are determined enough this will take three weeks to form the habits, six months to see confidence and some results, and less than a year to get a beautiful girl, two years to have more than you want and five years to become a Jedi level master. Good luck and satisfy those girls with style.

Question is, should I stop seeing her?

Restraining myself is always the hardest of all, as I do not believe in it. However, I can and I do exercise good judgment! Even in the matters of the heart! My heart always rules over my fears! Said all this, one of the girls I am dating is somewhere between what I fear she is and what I am sure she is!
In short, she was not what I had imagined, but she was there, ready, willing and fit for love. Am I to forget the sketch in my head and enjoy? You know what they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!
In any case what should a man do, in front of a subject of indulgence and when the hormones are well tuned? Go for an all night long?
Nevertheless, I don't want to hate myself in the morning? Truth is, one more step and I am there! Question is, should I stop seeing her?

A faimini definitely worth many encounters!

Like a planetary revolution, without a miss I do get sick every other year. A fever that lasts for three to four days with one day confined to bed. I have come to take it for granted, something as normal as the rising and setting of the sun.

So I was sick, like I was suppose to be, shivering with fever. A few days of solitary never hurt anything. Not until I received a call, let us call her "Faimini".
Me: "Haa iii!" I answered the phone with a weak Japanese accent and in between pauses.
faimini: "I have been calling you, where are you?" No interest or note to how I sounded.

Me: "I am sick, in bed, apartment!" Explained so I can go back to my rest.
faimini: "I need to see you, right now, where do you live?" As she knows that I move my apartment every other year or so and we haven't seen for ages. I was alone and sick so a little company sounded nice. I verbally directed her the location with a mosque as a landmark and I added "If you are coming, bring me something to eat, I am hungry!"
faimini: "Ok! What do you want?"
Me: "I don't know, a pizza!" I wasn't in a state to think or feel or taste.
faimini: "I am on my way!"

I lost track of time until she called me again "I am in front of the mosque, can't find your place, help!" she did sounded like a lost snail. How can such a simple route be such a huge labyrinth? Anyways I visualized and spoke in a subtle voice, "OK! Facing the mosque main entrance take two left turns, in the corner you will find an orange eight story building, I am in the sixth floor. Take the lift and the right door!" The phone went dead after a hasty OK.

Her arrival was signified with another call "I think I am in front of your door!" I lifted myself with great effort, clothed myself with a shirt and like a mummy slowly walked to the door. As I opened the door like the wind she was in! I took her multi-colored kitten heeled sandal and placed them next to my casual wear teva sport sandal. Locked the door and faced her, "Whaaaatzup?" She smiled and lifted a package. It was rather huge but not a pizza. "So, you got anything to drink?" I pointed at the kitchen and told her "Fridge" She found her way to the kitchen I went back to my room. After so much work, it felt good to be back in bed. I was alive, for I felt the pain in each and every muscle as I slowly lay down. I closed my eyes, and went back to my rest.

"I got you a submarine, I had a bad experience with a pizza when I was sick. This is much better." I opened my eyes to see her sitting next to me on my bed with four part sliced submarine on a dish and a glass of apple juice. I slowly closed and opened my eyes and caught her eyes, it was a sincere look. "I hate to see you weak!" I wanted to correct her, I was not weak I was sick but my mouth was glued with a Jadi like force. Is she nuts, shouldn’t I be weak, I was sick on my bed? I gathered some strength and sat on the bed, took the dish and started eating. I dragged each bit and screwed it to little pieces with pain, as if all my senses were amplified by tenfold. After every other bite I took a sip of the apple juice. After eating I gave her the dish and went back to my rest.

"You don't mind if I crash tonight?" I opened my eyes and gave an approving nod. I was not in the mood to mind even if she brought down the house. I was not living for it. "Come on, you look pathetic, let me help you". She climbed over me, I felt her weight as if it was engulfing me into the bed. Was that how she planned to help me? I wanted to say get off! But instead I tightly closed my eyes and grinned my teeth to absorb the pain. She lightly kissed me. My spider senses woke up, opened my eyes and I show her on top of me with a smirk. The room was dim so her figure lack details. I was afraid to close my eyes, I was afraid of the figure right in front of me. As her face approached me, I opened my mouth to say no, she placed one finger on my lips and whispered "shhh". I had to obeyed for I was weak and she was on top of me. She kissed me again, but all I felt was warm air from my mouth and nose. One part of me wanted to say no the other loved it. One part was wrong, which I don’t know. I took her shoulder with great effort and I pulled her up. "Hey, I love her" she smiled and said "Then let this be warm-up!"

She overpowered me and placed my hands over my head on the pillow. She was right, I was pathetic. She kissed me and this time I closed my eyes and gave in, for I liked it and I thought I needed it. She broke the kiss in mid high and said "Don't worry this will make you feel better." I kept my eyes closed and I felt a twinge as she let go of my hands.

One second she was on me the other she was out, I had no idea what she was doing, for I did not care. Then suddenly I felt a huge pull when she tore opened my shirt. I wanted to cry with pain but there was no voice. I felt her touch on my chest heavy and sentient. She instructed to "Relax". How can I relax? Don't she know I was in deep pain? Only if I can tell her, but how? So I endured it. It was a brutal torture, a punishment. What have I done to deserve such a harassment?

After several minutes of her bodywork knead therapy, the pain started oozing. Was I getting used to it or was I getting better? Then it hit me, I felt half of my strength back. With this new found energy I opened my eyes and for the first time I show her hair. It was black, long, rather silky, loosely hung over her chest, covering her ears, cheek, neck and shoulder bone. She had undone herself to her jeans. Her face had a rather long forehead and I always adored her small pointed nose and full lips.

I couldn’t help but stare! When we caught our eyes she slowly laid on me for a hug. Maybe she was shy or maybe she needed some affection, I was too confused to know. I hugged back tightly and like an ease of urine buildup I felt a bitter coziness. We stayed motionless for a hour or so, as I was drifting to a mild sleep until her phone rang! She looked at it and turned it off. Then kissed me and it all started again. This time I relished it as a bliss and I clearly communicated it. Than she slowly took her hands below my danger zone to unbutton my short, I stopped her. I looked at her eyes and wiggled my head. I pulled her back, hugged her and whispered "No!"

With the new found energy, I slowly guided her to a side of the bed. "So u want to crash in?" I continued while getting up. I handed over a t-shirt and a short from my wardrobe and told her "You better get comfy" with a wink. She got up and went to bathroom to change. Sure, half of me was back, enough to feel mind-blowing. What did she just do? Whatever! Thanks to her, there was no fever, no shivering and she restored my might and vigor.

I felt like watching a movie, after consulting my inner feelings I settled down to, 'Under the Tuscan Sun'. I have watched this zillion times and never seems to get bored of it. Few movies match as the experiences of an American lady who moved to Italy, Tuscany and bought a farmhouse in an attempt to restore it. Nothing fancy about the plot but watching this movie, I become invigorated with desire to run away to Tuscany. Maybe it is only me, I don't know! A perfect movie to make me at ease, a story of connecting with people, the small towns, the robust food and the small joys of natural beauty of day-to-day life. Without kidding, this definitely is a movie for the matured.

I was swapped into the movie when she came from behind and passionately clinched. I took her hand turned her around from a sideway and made her sit in front of me. "You must watch this, you will love it." I hugged her from behind and briefed the movie plot. I was right, she loved it.

She smelled so good, I was forced to look at her exposed long and fair neck. I have an obsession to smell, those silky smooth skin tempted me so much that against all resistant, objections and protest I did it. I smelled her neck and lightly kissed them. However, now she was too caught up in the movie. I had to respect.

I told her "This is my favorite line". Frances explaining her situation to Martini says "Surprising thing about divorce is that it does not kill you. It should. When someone who promises to cherish you till death do us apart and then says I never loved you. It should kill you instantly! " In response Martini says "L'amore e cieco." (Love is blind). She turned around and kissed me so hard that I fell back to the bed. All I can say is starting from there the scent and the sweat really made it a wild night. All praises goes to how well nature had created her.

It was a rough night, I woke up first and hit the shower. I screamed "Ouch" as the hot water hit the bruises on my saved head. I examined my body to find bite marks on my neck, shoulder and arms. Long nail cuts all over my back. Have I wrestled a tiger? How did I tamed her? I can hardly recall the Roman Gladiator dream. I woke her up and went to make some breakfast. She came to the kitchen dressed and fresh. Before I can say anything she softly kissed on the cheek and said "Goodbye." Shouldn’t it be Good Morning? I was stoned and speechless as she left the apartment!

What the hell happened? Curiosity was pricking me until I called her in the afternoon, she did not pick. I called her again that night, no answer. I SMSed her "wht th hell happnd lnite?" I got a reply "I had a fight with bf n broke up! goodbye" Damn, she used me, she used a helpless sick man like a piece of meat for her entertainment. I hurried to check my Audio CD albums and picked one, and passionately played track 8, Enrique Iglesias, "One Night Stand!"

Though we don’t communicate, we are friends. Faimini is now married and lives happily with someone, somewhere! A faimini like her is definitely worth many encounters! Anyways moral of the story: Wild sex comes to those who don’t want it and wait (sick in bed!) :)

Now I know how love really feel like!

What love really feel like, for me! Enjoy!

Maale is a filthy place, it is a hell, corrupted people living a corrupted life with nothing but money and sex ruling their world and mind. If you do not agree with me then you are among the few who can be safely regarded as retarded or deceived by a photocopy paper hanging in a dampen wall in the name of honor by the beloved, oh so holy. A slave, living a sucked life in a sucked place with a sucked government, both the pulling and bamboozle type, it simply sucks. To survive in hell you have to buckle up, play the game, be a winner, deceive more than being deceived. The ever so high rent, the non paying clients, the back biting friends, the useless family, have forced and shaped me as a hard headed survivor.

Yes, I was part of it, part of the system but one of the lucky ones, one man survivor, a fighter, a brave warrior.

So lucky that I have learn to lie like the truth, every friend, client and family member have heard it, bought it, lived in it, liked it and enjoyed! Sex was mind blowing and money was good! Like the crowd I owe but one third the amount people owe me, enough reasons to have a good nights sleep. A life with my own office, my employees, my friends, and my girls. Yes, I say when I am single I date with many, truth is, I have no emotions, I feel none, I feel numb with a frozen heart. So deadened that it takes months and months, to even feel any kind of affection or attachment toward anyone to call it "I like you". So far drowned into the mess, that I have made it a policy in my life, when I am single I date with as many girls as possible, when I commit I say I am loyal. The way of a successful man, how touchy and amorous!

So I was dating, to be exact, with four girls, nothing new and exclusive but just friendly dates that might end up anywhere! Practically anywhere! Even in hell you can try to practice honesty. So dating was one area I decided to play candid. Each date knew, how I took matters of love, let me call it emotional but not emotional. So my dating calendar was filled with Fathun, Faz, Sher and Liz, as time and interest allowed me to. So life was cold but cool, taciturn but garrulous, fun but meaningless, pleasurable but disagreeable, satisfying but insufficient, fulfilling but egocentric. More or less, alive and kicking.

Six months have passed, four dates, business commitments and self interest was all that my life had to offer. Life was fun, but it had no romance, no meanings, who give a damn about those anyway? Dating was too time consuming and maybe I needed to decide but I wasn't sure or ready, I call it waiting for a sign!

It was a Thursday evening, Liz called, "So what are you doing tonight?"
I replied "I have lot of work, I need to submit this report early next week, I guess I will be working all night!"
Then she said "OK, is it alright if I go to an office function held in Youth Centre?"
I replied in a playful way "Why are you acting like my girl friend, go anywhere you want!"
Then she said "Ok, good night!"
I said "Have fun!" and hung up the phone and continued with my work.
I did not know how long I was in my office, busy compiling a plan that will have a life long impact to the future of my country. Until when Faz called around 11 pm.
"Hei, where are you?"
I said "I am in my office, working!"
She said "Can you drop me home?"
I said "Well, I don't intend to go out until I finish this paper!"
She said "How long will it take?"
I said "Another hour or two, if people stop bothering me!"

She was kind of a sweet girl, innocent, ultra sexy and always charged. Short but not odd in a crowd. A fair skinned, cute face, well managed hair, and an exceptionally sexy looking butt, that always guided my blood flow. I haven't given her any time for two weeks, so I added "Why don't you come over, you can wait until I finish and I will drop you home! Or you can go home in a Taxi, I will pay!"
She said "No need to pay, I will be there in a minute!"

Since her office was few minutes of working distance from mine and given the time she will need to pass the nationally treasured fortress security gates, I calculated fifteen minutes of additional work. I was soaked in my work when she again rang me, "It is locked!"

Yes, I forgot to mention, in this hell burglary is at rise, the child steals from mum, the friend steal from your business and the thieves are let free to roam. So I keep the doors locked, a pathetic attempt to be cautious.

I told her "I am coming down, hang on!"
I hurried downstairs to the ground floor, opened the door and led her in. I locked again and hurried back to my office. As we got in, I switched on another computer and told her to help herself. I can barely see her soft and silky hair from a side of the computer screen. The room was filled with complete silence except for the constant rhythmic strokes on the computer keyboard! The time was ticking faster than I thought, it was already 12:30, when I realized of another existence in my office.

"Hei! What are you doing, anything interesting?"
She took note of the bounciness in my voice and said in a playful tone "I am going through all your business stuff!"
I told her, "That will cost you big time, be ready to pay!"
She smiled and asked "So you done?"
I wanted to say I needed more time, but decided to take a break and come back to it after dropping her home.
So I told her "Let's go!"
She got up and came to me. "So soon!" and gave a smile.
I turned my chair toward her, as usual, as she came close to me! She set on my laps face to face! I looked at her eyes, caressing those smooth hands and asked her "Do you think you can help me get that project?"

She was silent and started unbuttoning my shirt! We have done this numerous times but that night I felt strange, strange like, I don’t want to do it. Strange like shit strange, I felt nothing! Her touch was like disgusting, disgusting like as if I was about to do something evil. What in the name of devil has something so pleasurable turn to nothing? As she approached to kiss, not to disappoint her, I hugged her close! With my shirt exposed, I still felt nothing! I was thinking what the heck was wrong with me. She would have felt real bad if I led her down, so I kept the hug, but I felt utterly sordid.

I couldn't hold on, so I broke the hug and told her "I am really tired tonight, and so let us do this some other time!" She stared at me, stoned in my laps! So I slowly helped her up, out of my chair and started buttoning my shirt. I hurried and said in a blank "Lets go!"

I dropped her home and went for a ride, I needed to absorb what just happened. Than I recalled, I was thinking of Liz, I was wanting Liz, I was feeling Liz and that hit me like a bolt of lightening.

Liz was a new comer. We met on the internet, chatted on MSN for nearly six months before we met physically. Our dates were exciting and intriguing! For most part with Liz I was able to have decent conversations, she wasn't a typical "dumbo!" She have her views and she could seam into any conversation that we end up talking, it was fun and challenging. Sure we had our interests and differences but it was all there to keep it moving and to make it more interesting. I was thinking of our last date, a sofa date at her place, it was classy, fun, touchy and smelly!

I needed to test myself, so I called Fathun the following day and set a date, at her place! We were like close friends, but dating. All her family and friends knew me and I was pretty close to her mum too! If I am to describe her I will say she was the bosom of my dating world number 8.25! Apart from that and our unique porno video produced by her and an extra episode of weird positions, she was a simple girl. She was into IT so whenever we are lost for words in the middle of a make out, it was safe to turn to the topic of computer viruses.

I dropped by her home around 9:30 pm, she was alone in her room flat on her stomach on her bed and playing with her laptop. So I worked in and set in the mini sofa in her room. "So whatz up?" She looked at me, smiled and went back to typing. After a while she flip closed the laptop and addressed me "So what do you want to talk about?" I did not know where to start or why I was there. It felt like a prison, were you believe you are innocent, so you don’t know why the hell you are in there the first place and always looking for an escape. I stood up, turned the volume of her stereo to dampen the Bob Dylan tunes in the background. Slowly I walked to her bed and set next to her!

As she came and hug me from behind I told her "I think I am in love!" She was a smart girl and knew it was not her, perhaps she was expecting that, but it was irrelevant, I needed to clear things up. She distanced from me, so I drew my hand to touch her to comfort her, she slapped it away. I knew it was my exit, so I stood and walked away, fear of being caught in the middle of the disease of a broken heart. She kept calling me nonstop, so I turned the mobile to silent and to get the shit out of my head wallowed to a movie, one of my favorite "Layer Cake". Damn, the laws of the heart is cruel, it is merciless and vicious. It has no ethics or manners, but deep down inside I knew she was strong with lot of options. All I have learned from my dating life is the more beautiful a girl is, the easier is the exit!

The following day I called Sher, while she was at her office and told her I wanted to meet. To avoid the drama with Fathun I decided to meet her in public. So we met in West Park! She was fair, skinny and a happy go lucky type with no worries in the world. The last time we met I suppose she mistook me for her dad and spat at me for not giving enough attention and spoiling her! Yes, I was guilty!

"You look different, what is wrong?" and she gave a nudge. I was thinking of a way to tell her that my heart and my dick is not obeying me! Such a difficult thing to be put down in words, I am not attracted to her.

So I told her straight forward "I think I am in love with someone else!"
She set there motionless and after several minutes, she spoke with tears in her eyes, "I don't know about that, but I want you!"
I tried to reason with her "There are millions of people in this world, you will find someone special, special than me!" That was my pathetic attempt to persuade her, that things change, I have changed.
"What do you want me to do, I will do anything?" That was a scary line as I knew she meant it.
"It is not about you, it is me!" I guess heart has reasons that reason do not know. I cut all the conversations short, since she was not interested in her drink, I paid and dropped her home. I still remember that last look on her face! Maybe she was testing me, or maybe she wanted to cut the deal! I hope she forget me, hate me, disregard me and ignore me for the rest of her life. It is not worth to burden responsibilities to anything other than what is worth! Will she ever understand?

As for Liz, I found out that I was only good at dating and a sucker at relationships! I don't remember myself missing her, but I still do miss the feelings that I had for her. I believe in that a man should always live by the decisions that he make in his life. The way of the warrior! I learned a lot from that relationship, she deserves better and I wish she get it, some day and everyday!

I broke my heart so I feel no pain and now I know how love really feel like!

What kind of a lover are you?

I have come to know that love is an emotional attachment related with love making, care taking and in the long-run offspring. In most cases this emotional attachment do have compromises. This is the main reason why it does not last for a life time.

As far as I know when it comes to love there are three places where you can stand. First you can be co-depended, practically sucking on emotional energy from one another or most of the time one directional where the weaker feeds on the stronger until it gets a hell of a bored house. Second, you can be independent, this is where you stay single and mess around. This is advised only for the strong at heart with a sense of purpose. Third is interdependent, where people have their own individual life with self-interest, separate circle of friends and family, at the same time enjoying a life together with their lover, with separate experiences and stories to share...

So what kind of a lover are you?