Now I know how love really feel like!

What love really feel like, for me! Enjoy!

Maale is a filthy place, it is a hell, corrupted people living a corrupted life with nothing but money and sex ruling their world and mind. If you do not agree with me then you are among the few who can be safely regarded as retarded or deceived by a photocopy paper hanging in a dampen wall in the name of honor by the beloved, oh so holy. A slave, living a sucked life in a sucked place with a sucked government, both the pulling and bamboozle type, it simply sucks. To survive in hell you have to buckle up, play the game, be a winner, deceive more than being deceived. The ever so high rent, the non paying clients, the back biting friends, the useless family, have forced and shaped me as a hard headed survivor.

Yes, I was part of it, part of the system but one of the lucky ones, one man survivor, a fighter, a brave warrior.

So lucky that I have learn to lie like the truth, every friend, client and family member have heard it, bought it, lived in it, liked it and enjoyed! Sex was mind blowing and money was good! Like the crowd I owe but one third the amount people owe me, enough reasons to have a good nights sleep. A life with my own office, my employees, my friends, and my girls. Yes, I say when I am single I date with many, truth is, I have no emotions, I feel none, I feel numb with a frozen heart. So deadened that it takes months and months, to even feel any kind of affection or attachment toward anyone to call it "I like you". So far drowned into the mess, that I have made it a policy in my life, when I am single I date with as many girls as possible, when I commit I say I am loyal. The way of a successful man, how touchy and amorous!

So I was dating, to be exact, with four girls, nothing new and exclusive but just friendly dates that might end up anywhere! Practically anywhere! Even in hell you can try to practice honesty. So dating was one area I decided to play candid. Each date knew, how I took matters of love, let me call it emotional but not emotional. So my dating calendar was filled with Fathun, Faz, Sher and Liz, as time and interest allowed me to. So life was cold but cool, taciturn but garrulous, fun but meaningless, pleasurable but disagreeable, satisfying but insufficient, fulfilling but egocentric. More or less, alive and kicking.

Six months have passed, four dates, business commitments and self interest was all that my life had to offer. Life was fun, but it had no romance, no meanings, who give a damn about those anyway? Dating was too time consuming and maybe I needed to decide but I wasn't sure or ready, I call it waiting for a sign!

It was a Thursday evening, Liz called, "So what are you doing tonight?"
I replied "I have lot of work, I need to submit this report early next week, I guess I will be working all night!"
Then she said "OK, is it alright if I go to an office function held in Youth Centre?"
I replied in a playful way "Why are you acting like my girl friend, go anywhere you want!"
Then she said "Ok, good night!"
I said "Have fun!" and hung up the phone and continued with my work.
I did not know how long I was in my office, busy compiling a plan that will have a life long impact to the future of my country. Until when Faz called around 11 pm.
"Hei, where are you?"
I said "I am in my office, working!"
She said "Can you drop me home?"
I said "Well, I don't intend to go out until I finish this paper!"
She said "How long will it take?"
I said "Another hour or two, if people stop bothering me!"

She was kind of a sweet girl, innocent, ultra sexy and always charged. Short but not odd in a crowd. A fair skinned, cute face, well managed hair, and an exceptionally sexy looking butt, that always guided my blood flow. I haven't given her any time for two weeks, so I added "Why don't you come over, you can wait until I finish and I will drop you home! Or you can go home in a Taxi, I will pay!"
She said "No need to pay, I will be there in a minute!"

Since her office was few minutes of working distance from mine and given the time she will need to pass the nationally treasured fortress security gates, I calculated fifteen minutes of additional work. I was soaked in my work when she again rang me, "It is locked!"

Yes, I forgot to mention, in this hell burglary is at rise, the child steals from mum, the friend steal from your business and the thieves are let free to roam. So I keep the doors locked, a pathetic attempt to be cautious.

I told her "I am coming down, hang on!"
I hurried downstairs to the ground floor, opened the door and led her in. I locked again and hurried back to my office. As we got in, I switched on another computer and told her to help herself. I can barely see her soft and silky hair from a side of the computer screen. The room was filled with complete silence except for the constant rhythmic strokes on the computer keyboard! The time was ticking faster than I thought, it was already 12:30, when I realized of another existence in my office.

"Hei! What are you doing, anything interesting?"
She took note of the bounciness in my voice and said in a playful tone "I am going through all your business stuff!"
I told her, "That will cost you big time, be ready to pay!"
She smiled and asked "So you done?"
I wanted to say I needed more time, but decided to take a break and come back to it after dropping her home.
So I told her "Let's go!"
She got up and came to me. "So soon!" and gave a smile.
I turned my chair toward her, as usual, as she came close to me! She set on my laps face to face! I looked at her eyes, caressing those smooth hands and asked her "Do you think you can help me get that project?"

She was silent and started unbuttoning my shirt! We have done this numerous times but that night I felt strange, strange like, I don’t want to do it. Strange like shit strange, I felt nothing! Her touch was like disgusting, disgusting like as if I was about to do something evil. What in the name of devil has something so pleasurable turn to nothing? As she approached to kiss, not to disappoint her, I hugged her close! With my shirt exposed, I still felt nothing! I was thinking what the heck was wrong with me. She would have felt real bad if I led her down, so I kept the hug, but I felt utterly sordid.

I couldn't hold on, so I broke the hug and told her "I am really tired tonight, and so let us do this some other time!" She stared at me, stoned in my laps! So I slowly helped her up, out of my chair and started buttoning my shirt. I hurried and said in a blank "Lets go!"

I dropped her home and went for a ride, I needed to absorb what just happened. Than I recalled, I was thinking of Liz, I was wanting Liz, I was feeling Liz and that hit me like a bolt of lightening.

Liz was a new comer. We met on the internet, chatted on MSN for nearly six months before we met physically. Our dates were exciting and intriguing! For most part with Liz I was able to have decent conversations, she wasn't a typical "dumbo!" She have her views and she could seam into any conversation that we end up talking, it was fun and challenging. Sure we had our interests and differences but it was all there to keep it moving and to make it more interesting. I was thinking of our last date, a sofa date at her place, it was classy, fun, touchy and smelly!

I needed to test myself, so I called Fathun the following day and set a date, at her place! We were like close friends, but dating. All her family and friends knew me and I was pretty close to her mum too! If I am to describe her I will say she was the bosom of my dating world number 8.25! Apart from that and our unique porno video produced by her and an extra episode of weird positions, she was a simple girl. She was into IT so whenever we are lost for words in the middle of a make out, it was safe to turn to the topic of computer viruses.

I dropped by her home around 9:30 pm, she was alone in her room flat on her stomach on her bed and playing with her laptop. So I worked in and set in the mini sofa in her room. "So whatz up?" She looked at me, smiled and went back to typing. After a while she flip closed the laptop and addressed me "So what do you want to talk about?" I did not know where to start or why I was there. It felt like a prison, were you believe you are innocent, so you don’t know why the hell you are in there the first place and always looking for an escape. I stood up, turned the volume of her stereo to dampen the Bob Dylan tunes in the background. Slowly I walked to her bed and set next to her!

As she came and hug me from behind I told her "I think I am in love!" She was a smart girl and knew it was not her, perhaps she was expecting that, but it was irrelevant, I needed to clear things up. She distanced from me, so I drew my hand to touch her to comfort her, she slapped it away. I knew it was my exit, so I stood and walked away, fear of being caught in the middle of the disease of a broken heart. She kept calling me nonstop, so I turned the mobile to silent and to get the shit out of my head wallowed to a movie, one of my favorite "Layer Cake". Damn, the laws of the heart is cruel, it is merciless and vicious. It has no ethics or manners, but deep down inside I knew she was strong with lot of options. All I have learned from my dating life is the more beautiful a girl is, the easier is the exit!

The following day I called Sher, while she was at her office and told her I wanted to meet. To avoid the drama with Fathun I decided to meet her in public. So we met in West Park! She was fair, skinny and a happy go lucky type with no worries in the world. The last time we met I suppose she mistook me for her dad and spat at me for not giving enough attention and spoiling her! Yes, I was guilty!

"You look different, what is wrong?" and she gave a nudge. I was thinking of a way to tell her that my heart and my dick is not obeying me! Such a difficult thing to be put down in words, I am not attracted to her.

So I told her straight forward "I think I am in love with someone else!"
She set there motionless and after several minutes, she spoke with tears in her eyes, "I don't know about that, but I want you!"
I tried to reason with her "There are millions of people in this world, you will find someone special, special than me!" That was my pathetic attempt to persuade her, that things change, I have changed.
"What do you want me to do, I will do anything?" That was a scary line as I knew she meant it.
"It is not about you, it is me!" I guess heart has reasons that reason do not know. I cut all the conversations short, since she was not interested in her drink, I paid and dropped her home. I still remember that last look on her face! Maybe she was testing me, or maybe she wanted to cut the deal! I hope she forget me, hate me, disregard me and ignore me for the rest of her life. It is not worth to burden responsibilities to anything other than what is worth! Will she ever understand?

As for Liz, I found out that I was only good at dating and a sucker at relationships! I don't remember myself missing her, but I still do miss the feelings that I had for her. I believe in that a man should always live by the decisions that he make in his life. The way of the warrior! I learned a lot from that relationship, she deserves better and I wish she get it, some day and everyday!

I broke my heart so I feel no pain and now I know how love really feel like!